Friday
27Feb

shortie goat gruff

I love blogging. I've been "at this" for almost two years now, and I still get a thrill every time a new reader comments, or I get added to a blogroll, or a new connection is made with one of the truly awesome people out there in bloggy land. Our Little Haus has had a lovely growth spurt this winter, and I couldn't be happier. Hello, new readers! Hello, readers who were here before! (See, our friendship is such that I won't call you "old readers" lest it hurt your collective feelings) With that growth though, comes the addition of a certain segment of the blogging community that is universally unwelcome - trolls.

Hello, trolls! I really enjoy your derogatory comments and hate mail! Thanks!

*smiles brightly*

{image source here}

What's a troll? According to blogging legend, trolls reside in "dank dark basements," where they spend countless hours "trolling" the net, leaving a trail of comments so vile that even a Disney villain would blanch. They're the ones telling you everything you'd hope you'd never hear.  According to the Crusty Curmudgeon, trolls are people who

"talk mighty tough with the anonymity of the Internet to hide behind, but ....in real life they are sniveling little worms, slight of build and meager-brained. Almost exclusively males (and maybe it is exclusive to men...or boys), you can also bet that they have never had a girlfriend, have never been romantically involved with anyone, and have never had sex (excluding the family dog.)" (source)

Perhaps a little harsh, but once your read or receive "troll" comments, you may be inclined to agree. There are several ways of dealing with the little buggers.  A sampling:

1) Delete their comments and ignore them. You are zen, you are bigger than this. Besides, mulling over such negativity will totally ruin your 'chi' for the day.

2) Delete their comments and pretend to ignore them, but stew about the incident over the course of the day. Have imaginary, heated conversations with said troll while in the shower.

3) Leave their comment up but respond civilly and logically to it.

4) Leave their comment up but flip out in your response to it. Use words that would make your father blanch.

5) Never check your comments again.

6) Disable your commenting function.

7) Quit blogging.

 

Well, I don't plan on doing 4, 5, 6, or 7. Number 3 never works because trolls crave attention and will flame you back in response. I'd like to say I am currently practicing # 1, but my center of focus often wavers when my ego/id/what have you is being attacked. So, instead, I hide in the shower, turning up the heat until the water is scalding hot, and then say all sorts of vile things. Except, I'm really not very good at comebacks...

Example: A few years ago, my sister was receiving really sick prank calls, and witnessing one such call, I became so enraged that I demanded that she give me the phone. With the phone in my hand and and disgusting threats in my ear, I froze and my normally quite glib tongue stilled. The caller continued, and I found enough confidence to stutter,

"Oh yeah? Oh yeah?! Well, why...why don't you go and take a shower and clean out your mouth!"

And then I hung up the phone. 

So, I think you can imagine what my hot-water rebuttals sound like. Or, for another example; this is me:

 

 

How do you deal with the trolls under your blogging bridge?

 

More tips here, here, and here.

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Reader Comments (15)

Hahahaha!!! That video is AMAZING!!!

I totally hear you on the negative nellies! Don't let the haters get you down!

February 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSister Shortcake

I've never actually had a troll. I guess I'm not quite popular enough.

This post made me laugh. I can totally imagine myself also having imaginary shower conversations if I ever have a troll. I wouldn't worry about them too much as they're really just jealous.

February 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterChristine

That video is hilarious! I don't have trolls (that is probably b/c I only have 25 readers) but I'm sure I would take route #1 & #2 - I think up wonderful retorts in the shower.
P.S. I love you, I love you, I love you :)

February 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAllison

Who trolls you???? That notion does not compute in my mind. Does. Not. Compute.

As long as it's not NSFW, I'll leave up a trollish comment if they have something valid to say. But really, my challenge is to them--how would YOU do it better? The crickets that ensue is response enough.

But seriously--I cannot fathom you getting hatemail.

February 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterelizabeth

Popping in to say I'm not a troll, just a reader enjoying your whimsical and wonderful writing :)

February 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLaura B

Hilarious! I usually select option #2. Sadly.

February 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterChristy

First of all, thank you for your comment on my save the dates!
Second, I have never had a troll, like the others said, it's likely because I'm not popular enough! Anyway, shame on them!
Love the video, by the way!! So funny.
And, I've added you to my blogroll ;)

February 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTeresa

Just wanted to say "hi", not a troll here, I'm just a regular reader that loves your sweet blog! And wishing you luck and keeping my fingers crossed you get knocked up soon! :)

February 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTaylor Made ... oh baby!

Hahah! Not a problem I have to deal with (yet), as I'm still an about two months blogging newbie -- and I don't think I have enough people following yet to raise a stink!

February 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMags

Thanks so much for your kind words about the Lenten journey I shared that my husband and I did a few years ago. Your blog design is beautiful and from what I just peeked around to see so was your wedding! I look forward to reading more.

February 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMaggie

That video is hillarious! I use to write on Xanga a lot so it's true, you have to ignore the insults.

February 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKimberly B.

I haven't had any trolls and hope I don't encounter them. They sound mean. I don't know what I'd do - I avoid confrontation at all costs so I'd probably follow #2. Do you allow anonymous comments? Maybe changing that would deter the trolls.

PS: My kids saw that picture and had all sorts of questions about what a troll is.

February 27, 2009 | Unregistered Commenter[email protected]

I've only had one troll so far on my most recent blog, but I've been blogging since college so I've dealt with a few (usually using tactic #2). It strikes me as insane that there are people out there who thrive on harrassing others - I always wonder when I read something mean in blogland if the person would actually say something like that in real life or if they just walk around being secretly nasty.

February 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJillian

You missed #8

8. Leave their comment up, don't respond yourself, and let your friends stand up for you.

There is the possibility that this one can get out of hand if your friends keep checking back and responding to the troll over and over, but from what I have seen, usually the troll responds and your friend doesn't and then the troll just looks like an idiot who is completely alone in his trolldom.

Of course this course of action is predicated upon the idea that you have friends who will stand up for you. Which you do, so no worries there.

February 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJenna

I'm having trouble figuring out what's to "troll" about on this blog:

"Ugh, those tiny socks you found. So adorable they're... gross..."?

"Geez, did you _have_ to be such a stunning bride? Get over being so pretty, will you?"?

"OK, lady, how many perfect blog designs does one need? Oh, I see you did an awesome job on your hubby's blog, too. Well... so... there."

Maybe if I think about it for a while longer, I'll figure it out. :-/

Meanwhile, I love the troll illustration. The 3 Billy Goats Gruff was one of my _favorite_ stories when I was a tot, partly because there were some goats who lived near our house, and there was a little bridge in their pasture, and I was convinced a troll lived under there! Eek!

February 27, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermhb

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